New Security Measures in Wake of Squirrel Attack

Shortly after yesterday's squirrel attack, my wife received this threatening message:

So, taking a cue from our fearless leaders in government, I am instituting the Squirrel Security Advisory System (see right sidebar). This will be used to communicate with public safety officials and those living in and around the Shelton residence through a threat-based, color-coded system so that protective measures can be implemented to reduce the likelihood or impact of a squirrel attack.

The colors are defined as follows:

GREEN - Low risk of squirrel attacks
BLUE - General risk of squirrel attacks
YELLOW - Significant risk of squirrel attacks
ORANGE - High risk of squirrel attacks
RED - Severe risk of squirrel attacks

The following precautions will also be implemented:

• All visitors to the Shelton household will be prohibited from wearing fur. A squirrel can very easily blend in with a nice mink coat in order to gain entrance to the house.
  
• All nuts and nut-related edibles (honey roasted cashews, peanut butter, corn nuts, Grape Nuts cereal, etc.) must be carried in a clear, sealed plastic bag.
  
• Any suspicious, squirrel-like activity should be reported immediately to the nearest authority.

Security is of the utmost importance, and your cooperation is expected. You're either with us, or you're with the squirrels.

Thank you, and God bless America.